Learning To Be Alone

What do you do when you are flung into a world, so unlike the one you’ve lived your entire life in? 

What do you do when you gain all that you have ever yearned for? 

What do you do when you have not been prepared for your dreams? 

For me, going to university in the UK was precisely that. Having been sheltered and smothered with love and protection till that point in my life, I was completely unprepared for what life had in store for me. Apart from managing finances, buying grocery, and doing laundry that can be found in every young adult’s list of revelations, I encountered something I did not expect in the slightest. 

I did not know how to form attachments. 

Having studied for the entirety of my life in a minuscule town meant a class of 20-something students who have all grown up with me to become an extension of my family. My relationships have thus, inevitably, been dictated to me all my life, through fault that can be attached to no one. 

However, when given the power to choose who to be with and who not to be with, I found myself struggling to find meaningful relationships in the ocean of people around me. 

Who do I choose? How do I choose? How do I know who to trust? How do I trust? Do I let the experiences of my past dictate my present? 

These questions held me back as I drifted aimlessly through several months of university, never lingering anywhere long enough to get attached. Meeting people, but never having the courage to take it to the next step. Creating a bubble encompassing me was my only response. 

I relished the freedom that entailed this drifting; the ability to dictate my own life, devoid of the restrains I have always fought against. Every single step that I took etched my independence, and I felt powerful. The power to live life on my own terms was exhilarating beyond measure. 

Unfortunately, all things must come to an end, and so did my exhilaration. 

There comes a point when you reach out for the hand that had always been by your side, and realise that it did not exist in this bubble you created for yourself. There comes a point when you crumble down into silence because you’re talking into a void. There comes a point when you realise you are alone in that chasm you created in your ignorance.

But all it takes is one kindly soul to rip apart  the veil you shrouded yourself in. 

One wary hand to reach out without you asking for. One ear to unconditionally pay heed to your woe. One sincere ‘hello’ to bring that skip back to your step. One awkward smile to bring out another smile. One gentle heart to reach out to another. 

Today, I can say that I might still be alone plenty of times, but I know that I do not feel lonely anymore. And to this person, I owe it all.